somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
Let me tell you a story about the rise and fall of my self esteem
after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
Also, your vagina needs a time out and let your brain have a chance to make decisions.
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
You would be so proud at how green we're being. Re-using last night's jello shot containers.. saving the world one step at a time
When I said I wanted you to make noise during sex, I didn't mean mocking ones.
I thanked him for the booty call offer but told him I'd rather just do it myself
When you licked the fourth stranger's cheek the bar tender pretty much ordered us to get you out.
Our night has progressed to doing coke off a laundry machine through a parking ticket
There's a guy running dressed as a bunny toward your house.
He looks like a Mormon from a lifetime movie. Oddly I wanna give him a hand job
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