bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
All I remember is running out of the bathroom with one shoe on and the other in my hand. Pretty sure I was yelling as well.
she was drinking until 3, woke up at 7, shouted 'I'M STILL DRUNK" and went out for a jog in her thong
Just so you know swallowing does not help chest colds. Your Phd can suck my dick
I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
Best sex of my life. But I think it's because I like his apartment. Really nice bed sheets. High vaulted ceilings. I wanted to lay there forever.
You're getting old. Was it located in a nice school district for your future offspring?
I dont know how I should feel about you making a 37 year old come visit you and then making him do the walk of shame from your dorm room...through campus
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
I woke up on the hammock spooning a box of Cheese Itz.
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
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