I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
Remember camping when you drank 36 beers to yourself in one day and puked in your tent? Ready for round 2?
Are you drunk? Because I am and if you're not, this may be very awkward in the morning
Thats for me to know and you to find out.
I was wondering how I got the burn marks on my boobs and then I remembered....
The baked potato bra?
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
Did I let your boyfriend smear a banana into my face last night? Because I have pictures that are telling me I did....
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
Of course that's what I'm wearing. I need to find a beard to mount and ride STAT.
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.
If I die bedazzle my coffin please.
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
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