he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
listening to the two girls in the next stall finish a 40 and laugh at this guy they both fucked. they're calling him 'tulip dick'.
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
You've slept with me you know how lazy I am in bed.
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
Quick question. What's the protocol on going back to a bar after going home with one of their bartenders?
Go back and try to find another to go home with.
i'm totally cool with all the dick sucking you're doing down there, but as your brother i think i'm supposed to warn you our parents will be home in 5
aha we'll just say that my mind was so focused on A Bugs Life that it was hard to maintain an erection
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
the voting booth dude cock blocked me or she woulda totally blown me in the voting booth.
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