Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
college drinking is stealing all my money, thank god planned parenthood is somewhat free
Its official. Iv'e been kicked out of a bar in every state. I would like to take my job and travel time for allowing this to happen.
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
you almost dropped the shot glass then you thought you were such a hard ass for catching it that you slammed it on the table and broke it
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
Just please try not to piss Danny off, I really can't afford to find a new drug dealer again
I'm at that point in my life where stripping isn't the worst thing I would do for money
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
Apparently, Lolla sends you an email every time you use your wristband to buy a beer.
21 new emails...yikes
I threw up in the shower. I cleaned it all up and there is on mess at all. This hangover has become borderline religous. Powerful and life changing.
I WANNA... wait, will you kinkshame me?
Nah.
I WANNA KNOW WHAT HE SMELLS LIKE
Randomize
