woke up to 35 texts all saying im cheating on her
me and last nights hook up spent two hr. figuring out a reply we went with i love you..
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
she made me put on a condom before giving me a handjob...this is why i hate freshmen
If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
He kept saying that the puke outside the theater wasn't his and it was all a set up to keep him from partying with the whores. Then he passed out on the sidewalk.
He threw up in a cup in the limo and when he got out the bouncer told him he couldn't bring drinks in so he gave the glass to that dumb girl we brought with us from c street.
I know, she tried to drink it
Serious question...Is it possible to get a DUI on a kayak?
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
I knew full well that at some point during the night my penis would be out with this costume choice
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
I get off at 11. but they've been letting me go early cuz I've been crying a lot
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
I could see the visible disappointment when she saw my penis
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
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