i wish there were pregnant emoticons
direct quote: "i'm so over my clit" either best or most awkward conversation possible with your COUSIN
he came and i only had my diet coke to rinse.. can you say coke float?
guy at the corner shop gets out a bottle of tequilla and a pack of malboro light whenever he sees me through the door. makes me feel loved and cared for
Damn it if I pass out in the bathroom one more time this month im going to rehab...
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
Every single time I start thinking that we shouldn't have done that to him, I think of his ballsack in our passed out faces. No sympathy.
What happened to "I wouldnt even touch her with a ten foot pole"?
Her vagina devoured it.
Yea I've gotten enough hickeys in my life to know what I'd look like with a neck tattoo. I think I'm getting a neck tattoo.
spring break - time to see if my two week detoxing gave my liver a chance to recover.
YOU BETTER NOT BE SHAVING YOUR LEGS RIGHT NOW IM TRYING TO HELP YOU
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
Your vagina needs to teach my vagina its ways.
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
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