u cheatin on me?
if i did i would try to upgrade babe.
If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.
The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
just jacked off with my ROTC uniform on. boy i feel like an american.
You really need to tell him that he has a girlfriend. I'm not sure he knows
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
Would you be mad if I just used the argument "I'm allowed to say that, my best friend is a lesbian"?
Never. I'm proud to help you win arguments.
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
Did I send you a naked snap the other day with a fat blunt in my mouth with the caption "$1200 bitches!" ?
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
Randomize