he showed me his boner with his cell phone light during the movie.
Anyone who says sunshine brings happyness has never woken up with the worst hangover of their life to their window being open and it being a bright shinny day
chinese tourists just took a picture of me....im pretty sure i heard the bus drive say something about shame.
I just found blacked-out interviews on my voice recorder. Go journalism.
Well on the bright side, I only need a sophomore to complete the fuck-a-guy-from-every-year-challenge.
she asked to have her picture taken with every guy we walked by.
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
Why can't it ever be the normal ones that stalk me?
Why did I just get a ziplock baggie labeled "2010" on it from you in the mail?
and i think wearing the clothes from last night are out of the question...was there mud wrestling there? because i look like a participated..with a cat.
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
would it be okay if I showed up at your house naked? and is your door unlocked?
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
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