Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
operation "beaches make me wet" is a go
I've walk of shamed through this apartment complex so many times, I think people think I live here.
So how do we make 4/20 better than every other day we are stoned?
You rolled out of the car, got on all fours and puked then just nonchalantly stood up and waved goodbye and thanks for the ride.
Great. I get laid, Leslie Nielsen dies. I can't have have sex anymore, the film community can't take another loss like this.
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
This dude was wearing a "Plan B- One Step" backpack. I wonder how many more I have to buy until I get mine??
Let's enter the circle of trust. Are we there yet? Ok. If I somehow hypothetically slept with Amandas ex husband...on a scale of one to ten...how bad is that?
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
I feel bad for her. If you sacrifice and have a chubby husband I feel that you assume he's not going to cheat on you....
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
Randomize
