it was so cute when you were pretending to have willpower
My professor is talking about sperm and all I can think about is my mouth
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
no. the fact that it's halloween completely overrides the fact that it's sunday. youre going out whether im dragging your boring ass or not.
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
blah blah blah they called me an alcoholic because I threw my beer at a Jesus freak. it was for the best
She is high at the bar - she thinks the bottle of frangelico is aunt jemima telling her to stop doing drugs.
His dad asked what he was doing so he texted his FATHER a picture of me wearing his shirt in his bed.
apparently putting your t-shirt on your head with a bottle of captain and telling girls your the pirate king of tallahassee doesn't work
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
I rammed pretzels and Jell-O shots down the throats of those I loved.
I better make out with at least 3 princesses and 4 animals this weekend.
I just got called the stable friend. This makes me super uncomfortable
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
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