Last night is one of those stories you hear about on 20/20 right after they make a law banning 90% if what I did.
I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
You and I should start a club for people who woke up on outside on a bench with no idea how they got there.
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
How the fuck did I get back? Last thing I remember is being on some hot guy's shoulders yelling at girls shaking their asses
We'll talk about it later...
I mean I want to go somewhere. I just don't want to put on pants or behave.
I don't know how to reply to him. 'I'm glad the ecstasy my friend tricked you into taking wore off'...? It just doesn't seem sincere
Like its not even midnight and I've already had enough of her for all of 2015
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
I think the pizza guy was in shock..
Well I didn't mean to answer the door only in socks but I mean come on, 4 hours of sex works up an appetite! I WAS RAVENOUS
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
So here I am, sexting at work.
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