i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
Well the party says they're going to have three kegs and four trampolines. I think I'm going to invite my EMT buddies just to be safe.
ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
You kept hugging the big bouncer & feeling the other ones beard
He took shrooms and didn't want anyone to touch him. He kept saying he was a chip and he didn't want to break.
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
He didn't even realize I was drunk. He probably just thought I loved Torchwood so much that I no longer knew how to use my thumbs
The one time my sister did shrooms she thought she was thumbalina. I can't live my life that way
Dude he's moving to fucking Germany now. What is it about your vagina that makes men want to flee the continent?
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
I skipped the handshake and went right for a dickshake I had him minutes after I saw him.
Dude I cant right now. Were talking about pickles.
Randomize
