WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
i just got a UPS package from a name and address i dont know, with one of my thongs in it. no recollection.
The hot Japanese girl in my class just said her "favorite sexy American actor is Nick Cage." That, I can work with.
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
Is it possibile to sprain your taint?
She was that bad?
the amount of chicks and firearms here is unnerving. this will end awesomely or at the morgue.
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
You're cock blocking me from my own boyfriend. What kind of shit is that?
Also...I'm semi-dating the drug dealer that took me to bible study
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
So i woke up this morning to find my boss passed out on my living room floor.. Awkward? Haha
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
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