The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
I mean don't get me wrong, vaginas are terrifying, they look so sneaky with all their layers and secret compartments and trap doors
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
so it turns out, not only do the doormen judge the girls I bring home, but they rate them.
i could totally date him if i was just drunk the whole relationship
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
He's eating a cream cheese sandwich. He's obviously distressed.
So far, my day has been sparkling with the tears of a thousand rainbow unicorns. I'd say this is quality shit you've grown.
It's a lost cause. Soon she's gonna get naked, just let nature run its course
I can HEAR him staring at your boobs.
He's so hot and there's so much R Kelly and vodka I think I might die.
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
Randomize