I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
There is a girl on the metro with no shoes and she's using a Crown Royal bag as a purse.
Well, my nose won't stop bleeding from really bad cocaine and my purse is full of plastic gold coins. Also, someone saved in my phone as "tyrannosaurus sex" won't quit texting me. Savannah won. Let's put it that way.
Fuck that. I will get OUT of CONTROL And rise from a hangover on Sunday like Jesus himself.
I saw it and almost just was like "Ice breaker: your penis is massive" but I didn't.
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
I am never drinking with the goths again.
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
You're emotionally mature, right? I said you were.
I have at least four things in my line of sight that have Kermit the Frog on them in my dorm. Does that answer your question?
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
Just had the biggest masturbatory crisis ever.
What does that mean?
Internet is down.
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
Randomize
