He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
Confirm for me that it's be a bad idea to sleep with the 50 year old that's currently hitting on me?
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
For the sake of my mom, I can't sleep with two guys with the same name. She has a hard enough time keeping up as it is
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
True strength comes from lack of pants
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
He plays guitar, sings like an angel, and acts like a gentleman. If I don't fuck him by the end of first semester, I'm dropping out
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
You are cut off. Your giant penis and crazy awesome sex is ruining my body...
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
All I remember was you telling him there was something behind him so he would turn around and you could slide down his carpeted stairs on your belly without a shirt on. How's that carpet burn btw?
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