someone get that fucking seahorse.
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
I hope this doesn't change things. I feel that me being a minor made it more exciting.
This could help me cancel out guys. First 4 that text me get to stay in the loop. And the last one gets the boot. We'll do this til there's only one man standing
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
When did it become normal to wake up in the middle of the night to take a group bathroom break and have a 10 minute discussion on where the next football game is?
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
Congrats! Its a fuck boy!
I banged a marine last night. No wonder everybody respects them.
Randomize
