just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
his mom walked in, looked at me, sighed n nsaid 'when are u gonna learn' n walked out
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
We are smoking a hash blunt ... Bring your emergency inhaler
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
Can we discuss your tits for a sec? That melon patch sprung up over night
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
i smell like vinegar and tequila i can feel the old people behind me judging
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
Randomize