I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
Just threw up in front of the Boy Scouts on my base. Welcome to the Navy kids.
you know it's a good party when the fucking floor caves in. THE FUCKING FLOOR.
my last clear memory of the night was being offered a shot but having so much alcohol in my hands that someone literally had to pour it in my mouth for me. after that it pretty much skips to waking up face down and shirtless on my floor.
His penis looked like how I would imagine Satan's pinky finger.
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
She has no problem going ass to mouth, but won't eat the pizza crust. I don't get it.
That's Danny the boy who threw up in the Doritos bag
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
I never thought I'd be complaining about having sex 4 times a day, but here we are...
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
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