the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
i always forget that thursday isnt the weekend in the real world
Covered in glitter and dick. 2010 feels a lot like 2009.
i woke up to my roomate hitting me in the head with a can of PBR at 8:30 in the morning...i love spring break
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
...But it's not like we would be the first people to pay for an abortion with student loans and cell phone rebates.
Shit on my own feet while puking from my hangover. Is this what 33 is supposed to be like?
I'd let you fuck my husband in the future, that's how much I love you
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
It was like I was gay for pay but except being gay I became straight and instead of for pay it was for coke.
Randomize