god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
this is the fifth day in a row i've woken up after 3 pm, hungover. I might die when snowmageddon is finally over and we have to go back to class. my liver wont know how to take it.
Dude dan is so baked he taped his remote to the futon so he couldn't lose it again. Come over here
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
I mean it was his birthday. How was I supposed to tell him he could not wear a sombrero while we bang.
Will the fact that I have 4 boob hickies add to or take away from tonight's outfit?
Dude, you were so wasted she couldn't wait. She was grinding your face while you were passed out in the yard.
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
Just checked in with my friend who walked in on us. He thinks you two had a spiritual connection and he's bugging out
He was also rolling face on molly so his perception of divinity might be slightly off
She's the queen of dating. She managed to get a date with a guy who saw her puke five times in two hours.
The laundromat is nothing like In the pornos
either he just commented on my nose ring or he's offering me cocaine, I honestly can't tell
I wouldn't have found her if it wasn't for the vomit trail leading into my brother's room.
Randomize
