Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
she told me her fantasy was her as a 55 year old cook at a truck stop who smokes a pack a day, and I was the 21 year old illegal immigarnt prep cook.
i just identified you from a description of your pipe
At what point did you think the cops were actually coming to hang out with us
You cant hold me accountable for my actions when im high.
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
Question. Was fucking Laura an entirely regrettable decision?
like...quickly.
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
Owwwww. Yeah. I can barely move unless Im high on vicodin. We are bad at drinking/balancing. We will be the first to break hips and have to go into a home.
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
He saved that picture of my boobs for good luck romance still exists
sarahs drunk and is drawing dinosaurs all over the apartment. should i stop her?
whats she drawing them with?
eyeliner
no that's ok
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
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