im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
you kept wiggling your finger at everybody at the party telling us this is how he fingered me. you seemed pretty upset about it.
Terrible. Enormous nipples with a small ring of boob on the outside. It looked like a tittie eclipse
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
I told my mom about how you got white girl wasted and sobbed about Whitney Houston. She sends her condolences.
tell her thanks so much
Smoked a topless bowl this morning. For International Women's Day. Quite liberating.
There was enough sluts here for 2 threesomes to happen at the same time, and you still struck out. What did you do to piss off karma so much?
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
How is your new roommate working out
We are drinking at the laundromat. And will probably have sex later. So...pretty good.
This may be the alcohol talking, but I'm pretty sure I know Spanish now
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
Currently watching high school football on ESPN. Drink every time they say 'this kid's got potential' or 'look at this kid go' or 'atta kid' We're done for..
Randomize
