1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.
She threw up everywhere and is crying about a fictional character who died on Grey's Anatomy
you were having sex in the bathroom so i pee'd in your bong water...
Does my status still say I suck cocks? I don't know how to change it
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
Does the blue bra belong to your sister or cousin?
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
I know. He gave me a hug and i was like jesus i can just feel the std through your sweatshirt
You should know two things about me,,,1) I am highly sexual and 2) I am HIGHLY competitive so you telling me about how much sex you had with the other girl makes me say "challenge accepted"... you should hydrate.
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
you asked me how to turn on the ladder
Randomize
