I'm trying to bond with my sister... Its like getting to know a person I never met that I don't like
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
i would hope so, cause i don't think 'i drove off the road because i was getting some head' is covered in insurance
apparently he was unaware pussies come in unshaved form. curse you redtube and your unholy lies
And he tried to make it as casual as possible by asking where i was going on vacation while he was poundin me.
Congrats on having the best tasting nipple at the bar last night.
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
All I know is he mentioned whips, leather cuffs, and a riding crop. It's like Halloween, Christmas, and My birthday all in one. a 5 year old couldn't even possibly be this excited.
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
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