Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
look what he's done to me, i actually want to be a stripper now.
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
My professors need to stop cancelling class. Bad things happen when I have too much free time on my hands. Bad things.
there is no 'pace myself' on the blackout express
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
i refuse to be around anyone not wearing a sombrero...its cinco de mayo
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
Guess whose hungry like a hippo: this bitch.
Life is so difficult sometimes. Can you imagine? Going through life, constantly creating boners everywhere you go.
Stop touching yourself.
Wtf!?!?!?! Did you install a camera???
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
When dressing for a 3way, how do I convey to the other chick I care enough to look pretty but not so much that it's a huge deal?
you're the only girl i know who can be too sick to walk to the kitchen and still have enough game to receive multiple orgasms
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
Randomize
