Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
You put a thong on my pumpkin didn't you.
This girl in the gym has an amazing body...too bad there's no workout routine for a face.
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
Drunk wheelbarrow races might make the top 10 list of dumb shit weve done. Especially considering all the broken glass around...
Please don't drown this weekend. It would be a shame to lose a dick like yours.
Obviously a higher power wants us to be sunday drunk together
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
Wait. We seriously played strip beer pong at the bar last night. Who said I never came up with good ideas
What was my myspace song when I went away to rehab?
I'm determining which apartments I'm mostly to move into based on how suitable the kitchens are for sex .
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
Randomize
