I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
Just kicked a guy in his penis in order to win a dance contest on Bourbon....desperate.
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
It was one of those you-have-no-other-way-home-and-we-already-made-out-so-I-guess-youre-coming-home-with-me-if-you-promise-to-leave-early kind of deals.
And I feel bad.
Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
Well as if this year didn't suck enough already, I can now count 2015 as the year I got chlamydia
He left stubble rash on my thighs and cooked me bacon before 9am. I need to lock this down STAT
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
Sooo i'm debating posing nude for the drawing and painting classes, I just wanna see if they draw my nip ring.
So i dislocated my knee but still went home and fucked his brains out. Nothing gets in the way of my sex life. NOTHING.
Randomize
