Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
Well you are. Awfully cute even. Like baby bunnies. And tiny, tiny penises. You know.
I was informed last night that im not allowed to pick up the bouncers and carry them around anymore. Last sat is starting to make more sense
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
i'm not even sure i have knees anymore. that awesome.
Withdrawals are gods way of saying "you're still my bitch"
thanks for piggy backing me around for the rest of the night when I got too drunk to stand.
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
Sorry man, but I'd rather do drugs with strangers than watch sports with you. It's not personal, drugs always beat sports.
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
Is she blowing you? I'm in the closet.
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
Randomize
