Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
I passed out and woke up with my pockets full of Lucky Charms cereal and chocolate coins. Another successful St Pattys Day.
She was singing my heart will go on into her barf bag. celine aint got shit on her.
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
now I know why they wanted me to come. apparently gay guys are stripper magnets
Hne relally is a cite oerfect gome. Nes awddddddddooooome.
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
of course! give me a few hours to recover from chugging a 4loko out of a frisbee, and it will be rage time yet again
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
It's not that he's ugly its just that being blind folded makes everything less awkward
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
and that's when you shouted "ahh motherland" as you streaked down hall 4B
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
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