Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
He cooked the food on a paper plate in the oven.
just used a blowie as payment for him having to take the dog out to let her poop.
hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
His hospital is closing...I consider it "sorry you're losing your job" sex.
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
i don't know why he's complaining, i'm the one with four hickeys on my ass.
I'll call it a tollerance break and either will be celebrating my new job with a bowl or will be smoking my sadness away from not getting the job. Either way.
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
I actually haven't slept with anyone in a while. I think my whore phase is just seasonal.
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
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