dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
He washed my hair whilst I gave him head in the shower. Bored or gay?
Also, just grabbed a bunch of "tuxedo black" condoms. formal, anyone?
what kind of one night stand wants to walk you home in the morning? whole diff kind of walk of shame.
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
I WANT MY VAGINA TO POUND AT NICE THINGS.
If she wants experimental lesbian sex, i call dibs
I used the hope and guess method to figure out who I slept with last night.
I dont know how I should feel about you making a 37 year old come visit you and then making him do the walk of shame from your dorm room...through campus
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
Evidently I placed three booty calls at the same time...it was an ugly scene. I'm never getting that high again.
Currently looking up Winnie-the-Pooh porn.
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
Randomize
