Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
Having sex with her is like doing taxes, Happens once a year and I usually end up paying.
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
update. expensive tequila only makes the mistakes more expensive.
If it makes you feel any better, i gave her boyfriend a blowjob last week.
You walked away saying that you had to pee and you never came back. We found you an hour later in his roommate's bed. Under the covers. Still in your wet bathing suit.
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
after he went down on me he said he wanted an air freshener for his car scented like my vag. i cant even.
There should be a promo code on the Papa Johns website for "I have no moneys but if you send a cute delivery guy I will pay him in blow jobs."
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
Last night was incredible. I can tell by the nacho cheese on my jacket
Is that a question you really want to ask or do you just want to tell you that I can't walk without feeling like my legs are collapsing underneath me
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
Randomize
