They keep asking what you are doing. I told them to quit calling her "what."
if i wake u up at 5am tmrw by coming into ur room wearing nothing but my indiana jones hat and purple socks while singing 'courtesy of the red white + blue' will u be pleased or annoyed
keep in mind this isn't open to negotiation, i'm just trying to gauge ur reaction
Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
He could list all of the presidents! Every one, and in order!! I was so impressed the least I could do was give him a blow job.
Ah, yes. Making our founding fathers proud.
Yah, I guess one silver lining is I'd never seen a full water cooler get thrown down a flight of stairs, gotta appreciate the little things
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
You were dancing with his friend and you stopped to literally push the girl he was dancing with out of the way to make out with him
Cause a man that looks THAT good must have an ass that tastes like lucky charms
Getting your clit pierced is not something you want to trust to a crazy girl with an ice cube, some vodka, and a sewing needle. Trust me. I learned that the hard way.
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
Just sitting at dinner with my dad...simultaneously texting "daddy" to confirm saturday's spanking and telling another guy to get condoms before Im done with dinner. Don't know when I got so ate up but I'm loving it. You?
Regretting asking you what you were doing.
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
Randomize
