how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
Throw up on the ground, people dancing to loud Bollywood music, seats literally missing. Fuck I hate public transit
Worst hangover of my career vs the return of the blue balls. Will keep updated
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
Its pretty simple actually, if she texts me either Grr or Rawr it means she is horny and wants to bone. its a perfect system
You didn't know it was a gay bar until the 7th guy rejected you. You were crying because you thought it was just a bad night. No more for you.
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
You were supposed to behave this weekend.
But... naked.
Well I met my booty call's parents by accident, so that happened.
she's p upset bro
Where is he. I have a sword.
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
I don't know if I'm having early flu symptoms, a miscarriage, or am badly hungover. Web md agrees.
Randomize
