I hate your face
it was like one of those moments where the couple runs together and kisses and everyone in the airport claps. but instead of clapping an indian guy walked by and said 'ahhhright! get some!'
he was pretty good aside from the whole putting his tongue on my butt thing
Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
i'm not accepting baked goods from anyone for awhile. especially after the stalker pie.
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
It's a gift. Kind of like morning wood in my brain.
I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
telling her she was ovary-acting wasn't the greatest idea. doing it in a text so she could see your spelling was where you really went wrong, though.
u kept repeating to itself "hot cheetos and nacho cheese sauce.."
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
Wow first he impregnates you then he won't send you the sex tape you made together? Where has chivalry gone?
Randomize