I think the best way to start out any day is to watch 80's music videos. It's like visual wheaties.
felt a little awkward waiting for my McNuggets after vomiting all over the counter
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
We split an eighth of shrooms and went ice fishing. It didn't get weird until I caught one and we both started crying.
I vaguely recall putting a toaster in the freezer.
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
I'm wine drunk & this is not good news for anybody
Just laying in bed, snuggling my cat, and pondering whether I'd like to attend a swingers party this evening...
Chasing down vodka with apple juice and crying. Alone.
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
Randomize
