Now you know why i just sit on the toilet and scream
its like whenever the snow comes all the hott girls drop out of school. where are they
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
they would be such cute babies and they would grow up to have huge dicks. and that would make me proud as a mother
I just found a bag of teeth...
making out was so insane. it felt like our tongues were paintbrushes made of waves and we were painting an ocean galazy
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
I think that was him coming out to me. I just brushed it off
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
SPICY FOODS AND BLOWJOBS DON'T MIX.
YOU SAID YOU'D TRY ANYTHING ONCE YOU LIAR
meow
use your words like a big girl
i ran over your cat.
Congratulations you now have a pet Scotsman.
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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