She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
I wonder what my nutrition professor is going to think when I have to put 21 keystone lights, a bottle of merlot wine, and 5 rum and cokes and 4 shots of tequila on my dietary analysis
I was more concerned about the amount of mcdonalds fries on the floor around me than i was with my lack of clothes.
I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
Fuck underwear. Let's get stoned and eat ravioli.
The party invite said "this ain't no lame stoplight party, you come to hookup or you don't come" I feel like their honesty deserves out attendance
Not to mention having our pick at the ensuing sausagefest
Just got a handjob from a 19 year old in front of the Parthenon. The Greek god of debauchery would be proud.
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
I have a to do list for the summer and thing one is figuring out my sexual orientation
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
