I can text with my tongue
we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
its friday night, im aone in my apartment and eating 2 year expired canned fruit, naked. i'm not single or anything..
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
I can't help but look at my sex life and acknowledge that this is not normal behavior.
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
I specifically remember rubbing my eyes thinking I could definitely go blind and I really like came to terms with it I was like ok my other senses will develop this is fine
Why make bad decisions when I can watch you?
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
he woke up this morning, drunk as fuck, butt ass naked, and he had left grandmas gun on the counter and doesn't know why.
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
All I remember was you telling him there was something behind him so he would turn around and you could slide down his carpeted stairs on your belly without a shirt on. How's that carpet burn btw?
Yo did you say we are blacking out saturday night and playing dodgeball?
Yeah for relay for life. Its for cancer
Randomize
