The maid of honor just puked.
I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
im poppin the ladies like they're bacne
just saw a guy try to order booze in his coffee at 8 am.
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
She was grinding on him and then she was eating a Big Mac. Who the hell brings a Big Mac to the club?
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
Got home and told boyfriend what happened. He was like "you made out with a guy you call Balls Deep?" and hi-fived me.
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
the walk of shame isn't very shameful when your mom tells you she's proud of you.
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
Randomize