NEED BACKUP we are in the kitchen arguing about who would win in fight against lil Wayne and snoop dog
This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
I'm bringing poparts in case anyone gets hungry. The trek to frat row is strenuous.
Just slept with my boyfriend's roomie to learn if bf was cheating on me
Good plan. When in doubt, sleep about.
I'd appreciated it if you didn't lick my boyfriends face again. I'm askin nicely. Thank you.
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
I need a burrito and a hug.
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
I'm sorry, you're actually right. Ostrich racing happens, and they're ridden like a horse. Bewildered and distraught.
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
God if that man would just have sex with me every time I got mad life would be so much easier...
Two words: blizzard sex
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
Randomize
