When I saw him standing at full height, I realized exactly how much his body structure reminds me of his penis.
thank god random hookups don't end with college. happy birthday, america.
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
She's thinkin about havin beer pong at her reception... She's walkin a fine line between trashy and the best idea ever
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
I'm going as Jenn Sterger if she answered Favre's calls and ended up in a trash can. If I don't get laid tonight I'm going to be pissed
Well no need to be a stranger, even if you aren't interested in joining my bisexual polygamist marriage. New city, new friends.
Im the proud new owner of the campus speed bump sign
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
Lets ignore the fact that you want to turn your dorm room into a sex dungeon and focus on the real issues here.
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
I woke up in the basement of a pizza restaurant... I would say the tequila hit me pretty hard.
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
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