either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
TIT CHECK! TIT CHECK! ALERT! ALERT!!!!
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
I just saw two girls throwing up in the bathroom. they were high-fiving under the stall...
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
He woke up in a dragon costume, covered in bong water. That was a party we will regret missing.
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
I'm pants less watching buffy the vampire slayer drinking rum. I'm not that hard to impress
I HAVENT SEEN A PENIS IN 5 WEEKS I REFUSE TO REMAIN CALM
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
It was a fun night! I woke up with a boyfriend, again....
This whole brainwashing thing is easy!
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