I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
I lost track of him after he threw the handful of pennies at the 2 female cops and ran into the darkness. I heard a tazer and a scream. All that is left is his flip flop. Its like hes drunken man-derella.
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
Most adult booty call ever. Ha. We got down to business and still got to watch the colbert report.
Come to wine Wednesday bro. We have a fog machine
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
also had sex in his sister's princess style bunk bed.
but you are a princess that one was appropriate.
BRING THE BAGELS
I'm craving your dick and a microwave pizza
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
So I'm at home coloring while smoking a joint. It can only go down hill from here.
I was literally so lonely last night that I stopped watching a video on porn hub and just read the comments
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