I have no idea what her name is. I only remember putting my dick between her ass cheeks.
If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
if someoen knew that someone accidentally drunkly kissed your boyfriend would you want them to tell you/?
followup question: what if both somones were me?
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
He went down on me and then slapped my ass saying "thanks for the confidence boost"... is this all I'm good for?
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
You're fucking beautiful as shit and we should have loving sex...
Did you seriously just hashtag my sex life as #yolo2013?
Well that's my green light to bang ur brother. Its not real til its on fb
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
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