last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
you kept telling us that in dog beers you only had one
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
I just took my birth control on the way to class with a 1/2 melted jello shot I happened to find in my purse from Friday night. I told you I was going hard this year.
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
he's just got his life so together and it makes my pussy wet.
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
We spent our last night together taking turns vomiting in the bathroom. I'd say it was a romantic trip.
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