So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
I cannot stress to you how much better your current situation is than listening to gay sex
Olympics start in one day, that gives us 24hrs to think of gold medal worthy drinking games
white trash bash was a total success...cops shut it down twice and her hair stayed in rollers all night..she never broke character
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
Please delete that video of me blowing you. I will repay you with 100 blowjobs even better than the one I gave you during that video. Please. I am gonna be a grandma one day.
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
I'm so hungover all I can do is stare at my curser and hope it starts moving on its own
I just want dates and sex but the option to have that with whoever whenever I want
Hahahahaha. That's what your stoned ass gets for eating half a bag of processed cheese at 2am.
Sorry for cyberstalking your dad.
He's a real gentleman. At least he tried to flush my closet's handle after he pissed in it.
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
It’s a hundred kinds of wrong to do Jell-O shots at home alone. Right?
I support drinking alone. But Jell-O shots. That’s a game changer.
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