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ok, stay where you are, be there soon
Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
He used his penis as a puppet and sang Rihanna's Hard..... so no, we will never see each other again.
There are two people having sex in one of the showers right now trying to silence their orgasm sounds and failing. Thank you coed bathrooms.
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
apparently it was the return of drunk burrito sex.
i seriously wanted to pee on her right then.
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
the bruises from climbing out of the window last night make sitting at my desk impossible. legit excuse to not study right?
I'm bathroom at buffalo wild wings
I think incapable of making pants work send help
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
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