I'm so turned on right now it's fucking stupid. I hate burger king commercials
He just kept muttering to himself "stabby stabby stabby stabby" while we were boning. I will never be boning him again.
she's using motion activated glade air fresheners as some sort of early warning system
So, do you think I should wash the ashes off of my forehead before going to the strip club?
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
There was blow residue on my chem book and my TA was like, did u stain your notebook with CaCO3?
DID YOU REALLY JUST GIVE ME A FIRST BASE SIGN
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
Only you could successfully troll for dick at a Hillel bake sale.
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
She's astronaut crazy. She will wear Depends and drive 12 hrs non-stop if you swipe right.
Challenge accepted
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
He's really cute...He stopped talking to me because i pulled my skirt up and peed in a demi plie position...
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
Randomize
