well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
I was totally willing to let her keep giving me blowjobs as long as she didn't think we were in a relationship.
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
she was using bread to soak up the vodka off the floor then proceeded to eat it.
Yes, you can 69 in a fiat. But I think I have permanent nerve damage
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
he's like a horny 3rd grader on cocaine. he needs a leash
Yeah probably not. I have a hair appt, a gun class, and hopefully a boy to fuck. I'm booked.
im not letting a little injury get in the way of my alcoholic/drug problems. we ARE getting turnt tonight.
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
AND I HAVE A NICE COCK! A STRIPPER TOLD ME SO IT MUST BE TRUE!
Is it sad that my idea of a quality foursome would involve one person eating me out while the other two rub my feet?
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