My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
i feel like pocahontas...the disney character not from real chance of love
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
cum and cheesecake for breakfast...don't fucking tell me pride week isn't awesome
or how I got to mom's but there is vomit on my shoes. I never thought i'd be recapping with her.
I found out that they tried to reenact the Snooki drop by using a jump rope and the banister. Pictures say it all.
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
Russian roulette. Between salvia and weed. You in?
FUCK YOU MAN
Just tried to do a line with a snorkel I cut off... that is how my Aruba trip is going!
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
Someone wrote "LazerSwords" on my cock last night. My erect cock. Tequila is no one's friend.
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