I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
she insisted i was the anonymous guy on formspring that kept asking to bang her
Clearly I went along with it
so I'm in athletic shorts, a suit jacket and I'm still drunk at 6:30am at the last leg of relay for life
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
Almost propositioned sex in exchange for a study guide for my final tomorrow.
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
She finally pulled over after almost hitting 4 cars and a semi and asked me if i was rwady i told her to let my penis to come back out
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
It's nice out. . But after I almost put a bag of chips in the microwave to make nachos. ..I figured it best to not venture too far from the couch
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
Oh the sweet dreamless sleep of drugs
You? On what? Why?
Randomize
