He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
Thanks in advance for a great weekend. Sorry your roommates are going to hate you after I leave. They need to loosen up anyways.
I just want you to know that I hid the weed. Once you find another job, I'll tell you where it is. Happy Hunting, bro.
Come down. Bring Jorts. We're getting ready for this tricycle race like champions.
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
I mean nobody wants to admit they ate 9 cans of ravioli but i did and i am not ashamed of myself
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
WHY AM I THE ONLY ONE CONCERNED ABOUT THE SEAGULL IN THE OVEN
He thought my hair would soak it up. I HAD TO CUT IT OFF.
Ok let me just clear up this blowjob thing first so we can talk about your grandpa
It's simple. He fucks me at his place and I fuck him at my place. It's like man of the house gets to top.
MY LIFE IS HARD OK. I HAVE TO WAKE UP AT LIKE 10 OR 11 AFTER SMOKIG POT AND PLAYING FALLOUT UNTIL 3
You said if the geese can walk on the lake so can I.
Randomize
