I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
That girl would be way hotter if she changed her face.
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
It's just like riding a horse. A very tall, gay horse.
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
I told him we couldn't hang out because I had strep, he said he's had it once so he couldn't get it again. The sex isn't worth this level of stupidity
I decided that Calgary can keep my underwear. They earned it.
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
OK. i'm going to add "riddle me this, brodawg" to the list of things i'm never gonna say to my boss again while i'm high.
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
Is it bad that I tried to build an outfit based around "What do people who use condoms look like when they buy condoms?"
He nailed that bed down really well so it won't break again. All I could think while he was nailing it was "challenge accepted".
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
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