there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
You have permanently scared my back with your nails. I would like to congratulate you on a job well done.
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
Just called a girl a cunt over peanuts. I think we both know it wasn't just about the peanuts.
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
i am laugh crying so hard the guy next door stopped playing guitar
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
Am I under any obligation to let my new fuck buddy know I slept with his little sister?
I've amended my previous statement: I'm not allowed to put in my two weeks till I ask out the waitress. Now I have motivation on two levels
why is there a thong in the fridge-NOT MINE-and a half of a pickle on the stairs?!
I don't wear thongs. The picle was for dipping. Ill explain later. Lacy or plain thong ?
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
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