im sorry i didnt take advantage of you..iwaned to
i wanted you to too
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
she's sitting here naked with heels and a taco.
I just googled if crying burns calories
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
You kind of have a nervous, desperate thing going on that isn't exactly catnip for bitches
2012 needs to end already. I've exceeded my quota for People Who Have Accidentally Seen My Tits.
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
U can be a future sentaor's wife if you want. I'm happy with "closet lesbian", "tech prof".and "masters degree" all rolled into one. Drunken bar escapades pay off.
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
She pinched my nipples too hard I THINK THEYRE GONE
I TOLD YOU ABOUT GOTH CHICKS BRO. I WARNED YOU
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
Leave it to my mom and I to turn the hearing into a drinking game.
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
Randomize
