Thursdays are my worst days
but now we sippin champagne when we thirstay?
We got so high we made milksteak
We met at my place after separate parties but the condom wrapper was red with hearts and said love. Does that count as a romantic date?
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
They showed a guy on tv in a Brady jersey and a sweatpants boner when the NE offense took the field. They didn't show his face. I hope that wasn't you.
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
on a brighter note, the cop thought i could kick adams ass if it came down to that and said he had $20 on me if it ever happens
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
True college students do jello shots in the library
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