my elementary bus driver served me drinks last night. He hooked me up
you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
i think the sales of Rosetta Stone are directly related to the size of that woman's tit's
Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
I encourage you to ignore feeling. Drinking more helps
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
Like what? And no, shrooms cannot be party favors.
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
She wanted to get out of there before you guys woke up so she wouldn't let me find my underwear. Lol So I apologize to whoever finds that in your room.
Sarah just give sum homeless dude a lap dance, took like 2$ worth of change from his cup and was all like, "Biiitch, this aint free"..
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
Randomize