it seems that i get a boner from just about everything now
I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
suddenly SuperBad didn't seem so funny anymore...she did have her period on my leg.
I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'
just upper decked a verizon store cause they don't cover against "getting phone crushed by a keg." had to pay 175 for a new one
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now.
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
I had her number in my wallet, I was sitting on a winning ticket for the blowjob lottery and didn't know
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
Did you smoke and go to the aquarium again?
You'd be proud...I've an early morning wake up booty call...he should be here around 6am ish...I told him to wake me nicely.
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
Randomize
