8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
I think you blew our chances when you yelled "YOU SLUTS COMING TO THE TITTIE BAR?" in their face
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
She gave us all a pep talk at the bus stop at 1 AM. It involved cupcakes and somehow ended with her making out with her best friend. God bless college.
Some girl took her panties off, soaked them in vodka and wrung them out into a line of guys' mouths! Awesome!
No, NOT awesome. Where the fuck do you go drinking!?!
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
I can't hookup with a guy in my car because it smells like Taco Bell..
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
I tried to text you about going to the Lion's Den but sent it to my boss. She was down for it. Please advise.
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
I mean, drunk me really liked him, maybe sober me will too. Who am I to deny fate?
I have to stop at Sheetz to put my bra back on before I meet you hold on
yeah i ran into him at the bar at 11pm. he started talking about engineering and the next thing i know it's 4am and i'm naked on top of him.
Randomize
